The Loudest Silence

Sometimes I take for granted the people I have in my life. Sometimes I just forget how great they are because I get accustomed to their encouragement and loyalty, especially those closest to me. My parents, who have supported every imaginative dream and crazy whim this life has taken me on thus far. My brothers, who love to pick on me, yet, secretly I know love me and spoil me in a way only brothers know how to do. My sweet Gommy (grandma), whose comforting words find rest in a heart thousands of miles away. Her fierce heart and strength push me to never settle….for anything… no matter what. My friends, who know when it’s time to sit in the pain with me; when it is time to lend me a hand; when it is time to challenge me further; or when it is time to simply dance it out. I take all of this for granted and I forget it could simply be gone in a split second.

January 14, 2015 marked four years of my Boppy’s (grandpa) passing. This year I found myself getting extremely emotional and desperately wishing he was here. About a week before this day I had a dream I saw my grandpa and immediately embraced him, full of tears. Through my tear soaked face he whispered to me, “Are you doing anything inspiring with your life?”

Boppy was the grandpa who loved expressing how proud he was of us “kids” and never let an opportunity to express that pass. That is something I am so grateful for now. I woke up right after he said that, still crying, and his words were all I could think about on January 14. How badly I wanted to hear him tell me how proud of me he was and how I want my life to be inspiring for others.

“Nothing you ever will, or could do, would change that. And when you need a boost and need to hear him tell you……just close your eyes, and listen. He’ll be there for you. Nothing will ever change that….and you can count on that.”

Those are words Gommy sent me on January 14 about hearing Boppy’s voice. How sweet is it that this truth holds for our Heavenly Father as well? God is constant and we can count on him, even when we can’t hear him.
I know what it’s like to genuinely want to hear from God…expecting to hear from God…and hear nothing. Nada. Just the dang crickets chirping. I know how discouraging and hard it is to keep pressing into him, to keep coming to him with what seems to be the same problem to only continue hearing… nothing. (Maybe the third time’s a charm?) It truly makes me feel stupid. It makes me feel tired and frustrated.

Friends, I have been feeling this way for awhile. Honestly, I feel this way as I type this. My belief reminds me God is with me wherever I go (Joshua 1:9), but my brain reminds me of the silence. Both are very real. Both are very loud. The only thing I know to do right now is cling to the fact that I KNOW Jesus won’t leave me, despite my feelings.

Maybe I just need to take my grandma’s advice to close my eyes, and try listening…again. Can we make a weird screen-to-screen pact to keep listening together? If Elijah can trust that rain would soon be falling from a cloud the size of a man’s hand, perhaps I can trust through the loudest silence I’ve ever heard.

My prayer and truest, deepest hope for you today is that you know you aren’t the only one feeling the way you feel. It’s okay to feel lost, broken, frustrated, annoyed, and even angry. Jesus got angry. But, you’re not unheard. Most people, especially Christians (sorry, we know it’s true) don’t talk about the really hard feelings because it is vulnerable and awkward. However, the feelings still need to be addressed. It is easy to take for granted words you hear often, especially from those people close to you. It’s strange how we can listen to the same vocabulary for so long, yet, never seem to hear it. Perhaps, we need to learn to listen with senses other than our ears.
I hope you are encouraged to keep trying and please remember you are always inspiring someone. You might not know who that someone is at every moment, but that someone exists, and that someone is waiting for you.

May Gommy’s words provide you as much comfort and love as they continue to do for me.

“Unfocus on inspiring others….you already do that, heart….concentrate on letting your beliefs and your faith inspire YOU !!!! You have more to give in so many loving ways….just keep doing it. You are a VERY special person to all who know you, darlin’…..don’t you EVER forget that for a minute.”

Always,
Chrissy

Between the Sheets

I want to address an issue that might make you, (the reader), as uncomfortable as I, (the writer), found myself to be while typing and deleting this blog many times. I want to talk about the over-sexualization of women and specifically, how it is affecting a young woman’s ability to view herself. I realize this is an extremely broad subject that honestly deserves its own research paper, however, for the sake of this blog I must write about the one area that is tugging at my heart.

I know we have all heard the phrase, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”. While that might hold a little bit of truth for some people, one can’t deny the fact that what you may have done stays in your heart and mind (if you were coherent) wherever you may go. The same goes for how women use, abuse, and give away parts of their bodies to more-than-willing men as if they were worth nothing more than piles of dirt. Can I be honest and say, “What happens between the sheets doesn’t always stay between the sheets.” Because of the tempting sexual allure and attention from over-active provocativeness the physical and mental effects on women go far beyond what our society imagines, or cares to admit they see.

I know a handful of women who give away their bodies to man after man, almost effortlessly, and seem as though nothing affects them. Friend, I think it does affect you. Maybe not right now, but it will. Maybe you pride yourself in being strong…maybe you don’t feel much of anything and giving yourself away numbs you out, but one day I believe you will feel again. I believe you will look at yourself and see “you” for the first time….not the woman every man wanted you to be or expected you to be. Then you’ll ask, “Who am I?” When this day comes please don’t look at the media and magazines to tell you who you are because they’re flat out lying.

Our society over-sexualizes all ages of women, degrades women daily, and demands that women fit into this cultural-norm-box of perfection that even Barbie doesn’t fit into. The demand for sex is the highest it has ever been and with that comes expectations that need to be filled. Or do they? What would happen if we, women of this generation, stop giving into the demand for sex? What If we stopped believing the lies that society tells us about who we should be or how we should act? Here is where it gets a little hard for me to talk about this topic….what if we let go of the expectation we hold ourselves to when it comes to pleasing men. Because honestly, there shouldn’t be one.

Personally, I gave away different pieces of myself to different men because I thought each one of them expected me to. Even if they were kind and told me nothing was expected of me, I expected myself to be this image of beauty and desperately wanted to make them happy…even if it secretly destroyed me. I never knew how grave the consequences were to my heart from messing around with men until one of them recently moved on and got engaged. The news made me feel heartbroken, despite not being together for years. I cried…a lot. His face even haunted my dreams multiple times and I had to ask myself why was this affecting me more than it probably should of? I realized it was because there is a part of my heart that is forever entwined with his. This expectation, I had of myself, to be wanted and desirable was no longer how I could view myself. I knew I was worth more than that. Acting out with men, at the time, gave me comfort, stability and control but now I know that was all fake. My heart was searching for love and all it was receiving was lust. I needed God to feel love, not a man’s touch or sweet but always fleeting affirmations.

Our over-sexualized culture tells us that sleeping around is normal, that we will be fine the next day, and that there are no lasting consequences when it’s all fun and games. Well, I’ll tell ya, it’s not fun and games when your heart is breaking more than it’s intended to because you have felt disposable too many times to count. Or each time you secretly hated doing what you were doing but did so just to appease them. Or every time you starved yourself knowing a man would see your body, and you were taught being thin will please them more or make them stay a little longer. Friend…you don’t have to do this or think that about yourself. I give you permission to break this not so normal norm.

Whoever you are reading this, my hope for you is that you look in your heart and discover what is worth it. Discover you are worth so much more than living up to an impossible, flat out stupid expectation from an over-sexualized, disturbing culture. If your heart is breaking a little bit today, mine is breaking with you, but you can believe in yourself. You can believe you are more. I promise.

Always, Chrissy
(Photo from: http://www.dishmaps.com)