The Loudest Silence

Sometimes I take for granted the people I have in my life. Sometimes I just forget how great they are because I get accustomed to their encouragement and loyalty, especially those closest to me. My parents, who have supported every imaginative dream and crazy whim this life has taken me on thus far. My brothers, who love to pick on me, yet, secretly I know love me and spoil me in a way only brothers know how to do. My sweet Gommy (grandma), whose comforting words find rest in a heart thousands of miles away. Her fierce heart and strength push me to never settle….for anything… no matter what. My friends, who know when it’s time to sit in the pain with me; when it is time to lend me a hand; when it is time to challenge me further; or when it is time to simply dance it out. I take all of this for granted and I forget it could simply be gone in a split second.

January 14, 2015 marked four years of my Boppy’s (grandpa) passing. This year I found myself getting extremely emotional and desperately wishing he was here. About a week before this day I had a dream I saw my grandpa and immediately embraced him, full of tears. Through my tear soaked face he whispered to me, “Are you doing anything inspiring with your life?”

Boppy was the grandpa who loved expressing how proud he was of us “kids” and never let an opportunity to express that pass. That is something I am so grateful for now. I woke up right after he said that, still crying, and his words were all I could think about on January 14. How badly I wanted to hear him tell me how proud of me he was and how I want my life to be inspiring for others.

“Nothing you ever will, or could do, would change that. And when you need a boost and need to hear him tell you……just close your eyes, and listen. He’ll be there for you. Nothing will ever change that….and you can count on that.”

Those are words Gommy sent me on January 14 about hearing Boppy’s voice. How sweet is it that this truth holds for our Heavenly Father as well? God is constant and we can count on him, even when we can’t hear him.
I know what it’s like to genuinely want to hear from God…expecting to hear from God…and hear nothing. Nada. Just the dang crickets chirping. I know how discouraging and hard it is to keep pressing into him, to keep coming to him with what seems to be the same problem to only continue hearing… nothing. (Maybe the third time’s a charm?) It truly makes me feel stupid. It makes me feel tired and frustrated.

Friends, I have been feeling this way for awhile. Honestly, I feel this way as I type this. My belief reminds me God is with me wherever I go (Joshua 1:9), but my brain reminds me of the silence. Both are very real. Both are very loud. The only thing I know to do right now is cling to the fact that I KNOW Jesus won’t leave me, despite my feelings.

Maybe I just need to take my grandma’s advice to close my eyes, and try listening…again. Can we make a weird screen-to-screen pact to keep listening together? If Elijah can trust that rain would soon be falling from a cloud the size of a man’s hand, perhaps I can trust through the loudest silence I’ve ever heard.

My prayer and truest, deepest hope for you today is that you know you aren’t the only one feeling the way you feel. It’s okay to feel lost, broken, frustrated, annoyed, and even angry. Jesus got angry. But, you’re not unheard. Most people, especially Christians (sorry, we know it’s true) don’t talk about the really hard feelings because it is vulnerable and awkward. However, the feelings still need to be addressed. It is easy to take for granted words you hear often, especially from those people close to you. It’s strange how we can listen to the same vocabulary for so long, yet, never seem to hear it. Perhaps, we need to learn to listen with senses other than our ears.
I hope you are encouraged to keep trying and please remember you are always inspiring someone. You might not know who that someone is at every moment, but that someone exists, and that someone is waiting for you.

May Gommy’s words provide you as much comfort and love as they continue to do for me.

“Unfocus on inspiring others….you already do that, heart….concentrate on letting your beliefs and your faith inspire YOU !!!! You have more to give in so many loving ways….just keep doing it. You are a VERY special person to all who know you, darlin’…..don’t you EVER forget that for a minute.”

Always,
Chrissy